Saturday, January 31, 2004
I really don't want to work tonight. I'd much rather stay in bed.
I re-dyed my hair today. Always exciting.
I wonder if I'm even his type. I don't want to put too much energy into something that won't go anywhere. We aren't together; we've only been on one date, but it's something to think about.
Dad comes home tomorrow. I hope I don't get lost, driving to the airport by myself. That place is confusing.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:23 |
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Friday, January 30, 2004
I had so much fun last night. Cord and I went to Stratos (we're going again next Thursday!!), then to his house to watch "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." I love that movie. We fell asleep, cuddling on his couch... He's such a sweetheart. I can't wait to hang out with him again.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:16 |
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Thursday, January 29, 2004
Creative Writing assignment, as promised:
My eyes have that sunburned feel; huge relief when I close them. It makes it hard to stay awake, even after my 14-hour nap yesterday. Fourteen-hour nap... now there's an oxy-moron.
Last night I couldn't sleep. I stayed up until four arguing with Stephen, and with myself. I'd love to mockingly say, "I sure know how to pick them," but with Stephen I think I chose well. He's determined, funny, confident... Just because it's ending before I'm ready doesn't mean I should regret every trying.
I'm a sucker for musicians with dark hair and deep eyes. Jared the Techno-Teaser, Tony the Dickhead DJ, Logan the Runaway Rockstar... I have a long history of bad taste. Stephen fit the bill at first, except I trusted him.
Truth be told, he started as a rebound. I was with Logan at the time; an idiot from Allen who thought the road to success involved a bong and a bottle. Yes, a real winner... But he was fun, so I stuck around. After there months, I was finally tired of being dragged to strange parties, and forgotten over a bottle of Jack, so I worked on getting over him by getting
under Stephen.
We were cute together. After the first month, we had visited every pond, and chased every duck in North Carrollton. I was narcoleptic; he was an insomniac, so we balanced each other out nicely. We'd have little slumber parties every weekend, and argue about the existance of Ninja-Pirate hybrid babies. We did everything together. I loved his family, and going to see his shows. I even loved just sitting around with him.
Today he's mad at me because I called him a liar in my journal. His defense was, "I only lied twice." What he doesn't understand is that I rant in my journal. I say I hate him when I don't. I say I can't picture myself without him, when I really just want a hug. Don't read my words, read the thoughts behind them: I feel betrayed, taken advantage of, made to look like a fool. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of clinging to an emotion that only I knew... Bah... I'm tired of thinking about that boy. I hate that I'm looking for reasons to hate him.
I have no problems being friends with someone after a breakup, but usually I have a little time to heal before we try for that. Stephen leaves for Penn State not long after graduation, and I'm afraid that if I take that time off, I'll lose him forever.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:00 |
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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Tori Amos quotes and lyrics:
"Orchards are simple. A peach tree says, 'Some of me will be juicy, and some of me will be dry. I'm not growing for you; I grow because that's what I do.' You always hear some person complain about how dry their peach is, and the peach says, 'It's not our fault you have no understanding on the proper use for dry peaches.'"
"You know, and I know, I don't know me very well." .:Sugar:.
"Tell me you're crazy; maybe then i'll understand" .:God:.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:38 |
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Tonight I'm up at IHOP, when I should be in bed. Crazy where my car will take me when I step on that tiny pedal. How do you know when you've been in one place for too long? Is it when you know the words to every random song played over the intercom? Or when you have a "regular," and know every server and manager on a first-name basis? Maybe it's when you'd rather be there, talking to near-strangers and chainsmoking than be at home.
I know every name carved into these old tables. I have comforting relationships with the chain-mailers, the anime artists, the pool sharks and chess champions. Where do I fit in? It doesn't matter. I'm here anyway.
This booth smells of old cigarettes, mustard, and cream of crap soup. Disgusting. So why am I here?
Me and this pen and paper: we're a team. This is my place. This is where I belong.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:54 |
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"One day I'm gonna be a beautiful butterfly, right? But first I have to be a pupa. And pupas don't go out that much, so I don't think I'm gonna be going out that much. Pupa -- the awkward adolescence of the insect world."
.:the battle of shaker heights:.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 12:36 |
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Monday, January 26, 2004
Song for me:
you'll never live the life that i live
i'll never live the life that wakes me in the night
you'll never hear the message i give
you'll say it looks as though i might give up this fight
but as the scenery grows i see in different lights
the shades and shadows undulate in my perception
my feelings swell and stretch, i see from greater heights
i realize what i am now too smart to mention to you
you'll say you understand
you'll never understand
i'll say i'll never wake up knowing how or why
i don't know what to believe in
you don't know who i am
you'll say i need appeasing when i start to cry
but never is a promise
and i'll never need a lie
.:fiona apple:never is a promise:.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 16:02 |
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Sunday, January 25, 2004
The dog and I are depressed. It's sad that we're so dependent.
It's been less than 12 hours, and already I'm nuts. If Dad
were home, we'd be in seperate rooms, typing on seperate computers, or watching seperate television shows... but at least there would be
someone here... incase I had something to say.
There's no way I'm ever living alone. I warned Stephanie that if she were married and I was alone, she'd need a house with an extra room for me.
I can't sleep right now... but when I get around to it, I doubt I'll be able to wake up. I hope tomorrow is a B-day so I can sleep in...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:44 |
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I just watched the worst movie in the history of cinema.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:43 |
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I made my shirt!
Okay, so I still suck at photo shop... the real shirt isn't much better... but I did it
myself... That's gotta get me some points...
Dad left this morning. I'm home alone. I hate being alone. I've been planning little craft projects for me to do when no one wants to hang out with me. So far they include: make shirts.
I might even clean my room. The possibilities are nearly endless.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:02 |
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Saturday, January 24, 2004
My dad leaves for Dave's graduation on Sunday. I'm going to be home alone for a full week... When I was with Stephen I didn't see that as a problem. I had a few things I wanted to accomplish... But I'm not good at being alone at home. I wish there was some one I could room with until Dad gets back. I might just stay up at IHOP the whole time. Anything to keep me occupied. I can't even sleep if there's no one else in the house... It's just a weird place to be by myself.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 09:27 |
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"The best part about being in love... It isn't the sex, or the gifts. It's about finding a little extra money in my pocket, realizing I have Monday off...
and they love me."
.:john mayer:.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 09:24 |
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Wednesday, January 21, 2004
If I go to sleep tonight, I might never wake up. That's a surprisingly comforting thought. In my dreams, I can live the life I want. I can have as many happy endings as my mind will allow. I can be stuck in an oblivion, much warmer than the one I'm in.
Today in Creative Writing I read a paper about my current situation... whatever that may be. Katie asked me where I learned big words... I replied, "I go to school..." but I didn't realize any "big words" had been used. I think I may have caught a few of them off guard with that paper... Their faces were hilarious. I'm probably going to post it when I get it back.
Last night AJ and I went to IHOP. Munger works there again... Why anyone would give him a job, I have no clue. I feel nothing but pity towards him. He's completely screwed up his life... All the substances he's used have left him with a shot nervous system, and a brain that jumps from obscure topic to obscure topic... Lately he's been showing up to my Creative Writing class, reading papers he believes are fascinating. I walked out of class last time, before he read, so he took last night as an opportunity to school me. His shaking, rocking, twitching and rapid movements distracted and upset me so much that I chainsmoked three cigarettes. He says he's been clean for two months, and is taking anti-psychotics. Good for him. Except last weekend I saw him there (as a civilian), and he went on for a good two minutes about how the acid he dropped the night before had completely opened his mind, and all he needed was a cup of coffee and "intellectually stimulating conversation." It's sad to see a person, a part of my life story, falling apart at such a young age... but I know how he feels about conversation.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:46 |
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god0fsound: i dont know who is feeding you this crap but it is not true: 1.I recently found out that he allowed me to think he was leaving me for Callie because he thought I'd be too jealous if they were friends. 2 I'm not his friend. I'm his "chauffeur."... 3. He always lies to me to hide his own ass ...ive lied to you twice...once about my father and about us possibly gonna be okay in a few weeks after that blew over...there have been no more lies to anything you have asked or to anyone about you and me or anything like that in general
god0fsound: i dont know what im doing wrong to make you think that i dont want to be your friend or that im lying to you or to make you believe the things that whatever or whoever is telling you
god0fsound: i dont understand at all
god0fsound: then again im sure i wouldnt or that im lying or something
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Auto response from dr0wningophelia: out
call the cell
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dr0wningophelia: why lie at all? everything else (even the lies themselves) doesn't matter to me. the fact that you lied to stay in my good grace, or whatever your reasoning, really makes me question everything you've ever said. i'm sorry if i came off as snobby, or pissed off. i was when i wrote that, but only because i only find out after the fact, and through other people who feel i should know, do i learn anything about what you think of me.
if you want to be with jessica, or callie, or even the mailman, i don't care. but why tell me otherwise? i'm a big girl, i can take it
dr0wningophelia: honestly, i do want to be your friend, it's just hard for me to listen to you right now because the thigns you say (or HAVE said) do not agree with what everyone else is telling me
dr0wningophelia: i'm gonna take a shower
i'll be back in thirty
dr0wningophelia: back
dr0wningophelia: i know i've been a bitch lately, but this is my way of getting over you. i go through stages, and self-pity/loathing is not my favorite one, so I skipped ahead to making you the bad-guy. a lot of what i think/write in here are just random thoughts. most of them i don't mean and would never really say, but it helps to get them out anyway. i just figure that when someone else is reading or listening, they understand my logic, or they understand that i'm only caught in the moment.
dr0wningophelia: and the thing about the chauffer was just a flashback of dating logan... if that makes any sense. i'm a paranoid person (as you know), and if anything reminds me of something else, i cling to it/despise it. i really don't mind giving you rides when you need them, or taking you out to lunch... in fact i enjoy still getting to spend time with you... i'm just scared
.:dr0wningophelia:. 00:32 |
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Tuesday, January 20, 2004
I'm not sure how I feel about Stephen right now. I don't like him very much. The one thing that really drew me to him was that I thought I could trust him, but there are so many things that completely demolished that.
I recently found out that he allowed me to think he was leaving me for Callie because he thought I'd be too jealous if they were friends. How retarded. I would be at first, but if he had explained to me that they were only friends I would have been fine.
He's been telling me for months now that he hates how Jessica (an ex) has been hounding him to get back together with her. Now all of a sudden (as far as I can tell), she's perfect for him.
I'm not his friend. I'm his "chauffeur."
I never find any of this out from him. He always lies to me to hide his own ass, and only comes of as an ass in the process. I couldn't honestly care less anymore who he wants to be with. If he had been straight with me from the beginning, I would have been fine. It would have hurt at first, but I would have gotten over it a lot quicker than by finding out through other people. I can't stand him right now.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:02 |
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Monday, January 19, 2004
Good morning, Bethers. It's your mom... I love you a lot, and I'm glad... so happy, glad that you came yesterday and I got to see you... and my family got to see you... And I was thinking about how smart you are... and I don't know why I fought with my brother. I had a fight with him when we were moving Buba's stuff, and it just sorta came out of... where... what's that about about...? Packing the truck and feeling like he was being opportunistic about the stuff... and the best I think about last night was about anxiety... about us not being worth the time to go for a meal... And for some reason going to Starbucks seemed dismissive, but he perceives it quite the opposite, I noticed. And I just admire how you avoid problems and still be so loving... and that you're so sweet and kind with Cassie... and with me... I just love you a lot. I learn from you; you're beautiful...
----------------------
message from my mother. January 19, 2004. 8:19
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:31 |
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I had another dream about the boy. We were sneaking kisses around the school, secretly touching each other; acting like star crossed lovers basically. It was nice, until I woke up.
I don't want to be with him
again. I'd love to be with him
still. There just isn't enough time in the world for him to gain back my trust.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:20 |
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Woohoo! No more annoying ad! I am awesome!
.:dr0wningophelia:. 00:05 |
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Sunday, January 18, 2004
I know it's hard for me to be his friend, but lately I've been getting the feeling that he just doesn't care one way or the other. I was just a pit-stop on the way to his big destination. Should I really care? I suppose not, since there are so many things he's lied to me about. Some of them I could excuse as ways of "protecting my feelings." But I don't want to. Lying is lying, no matter the reason. I trusted him so much, even when I didn't want to, and now I'm paying for it.
I need to go to the doctor soon. I don't know if it's stress, or if I'm broken, but I've been bleeding for the past week and a half and I'm scared.
Today Grandma Love came into town. She's on her way to Florida to visit her sister, and had a three-hour layover in Dallas, so Mom and I took her out to dinner.
I've been to four different restaurants tonight. Denny's (with the family), Stratos (Sunday is blues night), Fridays (with Steph), and IHOP (gotta have my fix). It's nice to get purdy-ed up, and go out. But for now, I think I've had my fill.
I invited Paul to IHOP with me, and then to my house for a movie. We ended up watching Margaret Cho stand-up comedy... It was pretty racey, even for my taste, but I knew I didn't have the attention span for an actual movie. I've been exhausted these past couple of days. Think I might sleep it off now.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:43 |
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i know that you think that i shouldn't love you
or tell you that
but if i didn't say it, i'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that
i promise i'm not trying to make your life harder
or return to where we were
well i will go down with the ship
and i won't put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
i'm in love and always will be
i know i left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
and i caused nothing but trouble
i understand if you can't talk to me again
and if you live by the rules of 'it's over'
then i'm sure that that makes sense
and when we meet again
which i'm sure we will
all that was there will be there still
i'll let it pass and hold my tongue
and you will think that i've moved on
.:dido:white flag:.
Love is something I will always cherish, and even heartache can't take that away. No one has the right to tell me to stop loving. I don't love him for his well-being; I love him for my own.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:31 |
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Thursday, January 15, 2004
I've decided it's time for me to move on. I'm not happy being sad... lol... I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.
Yes, I've come to this conclusion on my own... No help from anyone, especially Stephen, who may have presented the idea... but never really pushed me toward it. I'm such a cool person.
I have a little crush on Cord. Granted, I know close to nothing about him, but for now that's okay. He's cute, charming, and a bit mysterious. Which is an odd thing to say when guys are usually simple-minded creatures.
I'm in such a good mood, and I blame it all on shopping. I used to hate shopping, now it makes me feel like a new person. Like I can buy who I want to be. With the right accessories, I'm one happy individual. "Money can't buy happiness..." Well, I say 'pish-posh.' I'm happy as a clam. Happy as a lark. Happy, happy, happy. And looking mighty fine. *smile*
Of course he's not going to tell me I should stop loving him. That would make him the bad guy. And besides, it feeds his ego to feel wanted.
I've been so weak and idiotic this past week. The old me, the stronger me, would never have stood for it, and finally I feel her coming back.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:25 |
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Wednesday, January 14, 2004
I don't know why I want him to love me. How would knowing make this any easier? Even if he does still care, he wants to be with her.
Last time I was at his house I made an idiot of myself. I pressured him into talking about an "us" that doesn't exist anymore, and he said that he didn't mean for it to end so quickly. I kissed him, and he hid his face from me, so I left.
Tonight we talked a little on the phone, and again I brought up the old "us." Tomorrow would have been four months. I asked if he still loved me, though I didn't really want to know. I mean... I want him to love me... but I don't want to hear "no," or "yes, but..." and it was bound to end with one of those.
I wish I could erase the past two months, or however long it's been since he changed his mind about wanting to be with me. Or maybe I want to take it all back. If I hadn't lost him to her, I'd eventually have lost him to someone or something else.
I never want to feel again. It hurts way too much.
I feel dumb even writing all of this. I'm only seventeen... who's to say there's no one out there for me? I've only been looking since I was four; desperately searching for that one person who would never make me cry.
"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."
.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:12 |
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Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Today was almost uneventful.
After school, which was much too long and painful, I went to Steph's. Cookies were good; I rule at wrestling.
When I came home, I had two letters from David waiting for me. In two weeks they'll be allowed to read books and listen to music again. I couldn't imagine going nearly six months without either. He heard through the grapevine (most likely my father) that I've been sad lately. I should really write him back.
Dad took Valerie and me out to Herrerra's for dinner, and I feel a little icky. I like food, but right now it doesn't like me. Somehow we got on the topic of David and Stephen (hard topics for both Valerie and myself). Dad, in his own weird way, told me I should start seeing other people so Stephen doesn't start thinking of me as "back-up." I don't know when I'm going to get it through my head that he doesn't want me anymore. I wish there was some way I could change his mind.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 18:18 |
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Sunday, January 11, 2004
I tired of having dreams about him. Last night I dreamed I was washing dishes with Stephen's dad. We got to talking, and I asked his for advice. He said I should just wait it out because Stephen only wants to be with her through the 25th for some show. I called Dustin, and he said I should just move on; he left me so he could have sex with her before going to Penn State. Why do I ask for advice in my dreams? Shouldn't I be walking on clouds, or playing cards with dogs? Something a little less here and now?
Wednesday night I started on my first personal experience paper for creative writing. Here's the beginning:
"The demons come for me at night, dragging me off to their far-off land, where skies are gray from dawn to dusk. They come for me inside my mind, slithering around and hiding behind paranoid thoughts. I fight them off as best I can, this time with a pen instead of a lighter, and still and come. Tonight they came and broke my heart, riding my spirit until it was tame.
"He blames it all on 'unfinished business,' as though I'll completely understand, or even sympathize, with his situation, and what
he's going through. But for now I want to be selfish; for now I'm the only one feeling pain.
"I want to hate them both: her for taking the one thing I cherished, the one thing I considered mine alone; him for leaving me behind with nothing but promises that it will all be okay. I want to give back everything he ever gave me... Every gift, every 'I love you...' I want him to hurt as much as I do, but I don't want him to go."
It's basically a longer version of everything I write in here, and it's not done yet.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:17 |
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Saturday, January 10, 2004
He said he would always love me...
That we could be together again...
That he doesn't hate me now, and never could...
They just have "unfinished business..."
Why not "finish" your "business" when no one else is around to get hurt? Why not let me know what's going to happen, instead of padding down the truth with so many lies that all your words become suspect?
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:47 |
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I have a good half-hour before I can wash this dye out of my hair, and I'm trying to think of what to do with the rest of my day. I'm not sure I want to get my nails done again. Sure, it was nice tapping on every hard surface, but eh...
I really hope Stephen and I can actually make it to being friends. We've never really been
just friends. We either date, or we're acquaintances. I just don't know that we could handle it, and as strong as I'm trying to be right now, "friends" just isn't what I'm looking for with him.
I'm glad I'm no longer blind to his faults. I just wish I could embrace them now that they're so apparent.
I've already begun laughing at my past (two days ago...) behavior. It disgusts me that I actually thought I couldn't make it through this, that I might actually want to end my life over such a trivial event. It's okay if he's not the one for me. I will be fine if there is no such person. But I do want to get married one day. I want children, and a happy family. And a little less heartache.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 09:28 |
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Friday, January 09, 2004
Guys are manipulative bastards.
Tonight Jen, Jeff and I went off to the Hop for cokes and smokes... Being cool is fun. I've decided to dye my hair black, and tomorrow I'm getting my nails done again. I'ma be girly!
I really need to clean my room... It's beginning to be unbearable. Since I was five, my motto has been "the floor is jsut one big shelf." Walking room would be nice.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:41 |
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I don't know what it is, but today I'm feeling much better. I'm pretty sure I'm almost over everything (thank goodness I heal quickly), but I still don't want to see or think of them together.
I need to find something to do tonight.
Today I went to a Chamber of Commerce luncheon. Extremely boring, and the food was nasty, but anything's better than school. Jennifer and Steph were both supposed to come with, but they both bailed on me. Aw, well.
Wow, I'm hyper.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:23 |
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Thursday, January 08, 2004
He told a friend he would never date two people at the same time... but making out is completely innocent. I guess I figured once the game had ended, the kissing would too, and everything would be honkey=dorey. I hate being wrong.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:47 |
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Today after school I came home and tried to watch Oprah, but it was a wedding special and I didn't feel like crying anymore. I miss thinking of marrying Stephen, without worrying whether he felt the same. I used to daydream about being 80 together on a little porch swing, but now I can't clear my head of thoughts about him and her. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved. But I'd rather it all be with me. At first I thought I could not hate her because she was such a nice person, though jealousy and anger feel almost the same.
I keep wondering if it weren't for his birthday party, would any of this be happening? Is there a chance we could one day be together again? If that chance comes around, do I really want it, or will I only worry that this might happen again?
I've finally started eating again, but food sits in my stomach maybe 15 minutes before I cry so hard I feel sick.
We're supposed to be friends through this whole... ordeal, but I can't find a way to be me without him. I can't stand beside him without wanting to reach out for his hand, or aching to kiss his lips. I picture them in my head, her in my place, and I can't help but cry.
I'm hoping this is only a test; that soon enough I'll be able to look back on it all and laugh at how silly I had been acting. I want so badly to be with someone who makes me feel as special and needed as he once did, and never leave me out in the cold, staring into a happy home.
I've been good this time, though the urge is strongly there. I have plenty of lighters to get the job done, but scar tissue is hard to hide. I've been trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think, but instead I keep thinking and end up having to stop so I can cry.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 18:40 |
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Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Right now, life is miserable. I just got word that Stephen gets to choose between working at Watertower Theatre and me, because of his last report card... or at least that's the story I'm getting. I'm so lost and confused, I don't even know which voice in my head I want to believe right now. I need a really big hug.
Stephen: yeah i have a problem
Beth: what is it?
but my problem isn't with you
ok
it's with my father
is it bad?
yea its pretty bad...but i dont want you worrying about it too much
tell me
cause its bad but not that big of a deal cause we can deal with it... my dad found out that i failed two classes
and... i'm not allowed to come over anymore?
no, not quite
then what?
im supposed to choose between having a girlfriend and working up at watertower...because apparently i can't handle both
fuck... ok... shit
if you dont think we can make it through this ill drop watertower... i have to have my choice made by wed
don't drop watertower... how long is he talking?
till i get my grades up
so... are you breaking up with me?
no? i dont know... i love you
i know it won't take that long for you to get your grades up... you don't know? i have no idea what i should think... i've been torturing myself for weeks now about whether you really care about me, and now you don't know whether we can make it through 6 weeks or so of... whatever this is
no i know we can
but you don't know if you want to?
no i dont want to break up with you... i love you, and i dont want to be with out you
i feel sick... call me when you can
i love you
i love you more...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:17 |
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Monday, January 05, 2004
I understand why you want to run away. I've had the same thoughts before. But why run from me? Why punish me? I'm so alone, and tears are cold.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:06 |
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.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:23 |
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I've decided to start taking my medication again. I admit I cannot fix myself. After months of thinking I was finally happy, I realize I've lost sight of what true happiness is. My brain has turned against me, and my thoughts are in civil war. Do I believe those who tell me I'm not good enough, that no one really loves me, that I'm being tricked time and time again? Do I believe in those who whisper and comfort me, telling me to black out the world around me, that all this pain will pass if I just let go? I want to let go. If only I knew how.
I don't trust anything you say.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 11:08 |
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Last night I spent the night at Stephanie's... It was interesting. It seems every time we get together with Tyrell, awkward moments pop up all over the place... And that's as far as that story's going.
I'm supposed to get my cell phone back today, which is good because after two weeks of not having it I'm only on the verge of insanity. I miss you, little red slice of happiness!
Maybe I'm just rambling... This entry isn't even making sense to
me...
I better go clear my head... I think stand-up comedy's on...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 08:44 |
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Sunday, January 04, 2004
If we were to marry, it would probably end badly... though he's given me no reason to think so. I'd have no one to blame but myself... I'm incapable of fully loving someone... of giving my all... He's done nothing wrong, and yet I feel he doesn't care.
We have an on-going joke: I
should love him, after all the shit I put him through....
Maybe it's just me being my paranoid self, but every time he says he "can't" spend time with me, I hear more of "I don't want to."
Why am I even thinking of marrying him? I can't even handle this small-time dating thing we're doing now. If I feel alone and strange this early on, what in the hell makes me think things will be better just because we're wearing matching rings? I'm such an idiot.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 15:24 |
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Friday, January 02, 2004
I can't help thinking I'm fucking up our relationship. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong, but there must be something. Then again, he's staying with me... I have no idea. He gives me everything... It's just not enough... And I can't ask for more... He's perfect, why am I so unhappy? Why do I cry every time I think about him? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel guilty for wanting more? I wish I could talk to some one... I wish some one would hear me... But instead I self-medicate with cigarettes and crying spells.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:28 |
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David left again today. This time felt like more of a goodbye than on the first go-round. It's weird to say I won't be seeing him for almost 4 years.
His room is going to be my new sewing room, which is exciting. I don't sew very often, but now that I have a room dedicated to it, I might even start my own little sweatshop.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:38 |
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