Wednesday, January 14, 2004

I don't know why I want him to love me. How would knowing make this any easier? Even if he does still care, he wants to be with her.
Last time I was at his house I made an idiot of myself. I pressured him into talking about an "us" that doesn't exist anymore, and he said that he didn't mean for it to end so quickly. I kissed him, and he hid his face from me, so I left.
Tonight we talked a little on the phone, and again I brought up the old "us." Tomorrow would have been four months. I asked if he still loved me, though I didn't really want to know. I mean... I want him to love me... but I don't want to hear "no," or "yes, but..." and it was bound to end with one of those.
I wish I could erase the past two months, or however long it's been since he changed his mind about wanting to be with me. Or maybe I want to take it all back. If I hadn't lost him to her, I'd eventually have lost him to someone or something else.
I never want to feel again. It hurts way too much.
I feel dumb even writing all of this. I'm only seventeen... who's to say there's no one out there for me? I've only been looking since I was four; desperately searching for that one person who would never make me cry.
"No man is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry."

.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:12 | |