Thursday, January 08, 2004

Today after school I came home and tried to watch Oprah, but it was a wedding special and I didn't feel like crying anymore. I miss thinking of marrying Stephen, without worrying whether he felt the same. I used to daydream about being 80 together on a little porch swing, but now I can't clear my head of thoughts about him and her. I want him to be happy. I want him to feel loved. But I'd rather it all be with me. At first I thought I could not hate her because she was such a nice person, though jealousy and anger feel almost the same.
I keep wondering if it weren't for his birthday party, would any of this be happening? Is there a chance we could one day be together again? If that chance comes around, do I really want it, or will I only worry that this might happen again?
I've finally started eating again, but food sits in my stomach maybe 15 minutes before I cry so hard I feel sick.
We're supposed to be friends through this whole... ordeal, but I can't find a way to be me without him. I can't stand beside him without wanting to reach out for his hand, or aching to kiss his lips. I picture them in my head, her in my place, and I can't help but cry.
I'm hoping this is only a test; that soon enough I'll be able to look back on it all and laugh at how silly I had been acting. I want so badly to be with someone who makes me feel as special and needed as he once did, and never leave me out in the cold, staring into a happy home.
I've been good this time, though the urge is strongly there. I have plenty of lighters to get the job done, but scar tissue is hard to hide. I've been trying to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think, but instead I keep thinking and end up having to stop so I can cry.

.:dr0wningophelia:. 18:40 | |