Monday, May 31, 2004
Amanda and I went to IHOP tonight; it's become a ritual of sorts. Or at least a give in. If I'm not at home, or at work, I'm at the HOP. Damn, I need a life.
Clark, Morgan, Hannah, Chris, George and Tasha were there. I took small groups of them to the closet in the bathroom... foyer... to show off my newest wound/tattoo. It's exciting.
Around midnight, Amanda decided she would rather be at home on her new laptop, so I dropped her off and went to Clark's. We watched
Amy's O, a Sundance film. Quite entertaining.
Is it weird that I was thinking of Drew, a man I hardly know (if at all), while we kissed? I shouldn't be ashamed. I'm not dating Clark... I'm not really interested in dating him... But I'd be a little bit peaved if I knew he was wishing I could be someone else.
Don't get me wrong. Clark's a nice guy. He's fun, and... well, I guess that's it... but fun's a big thing in my little world. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If only I had reason to visit S&S again.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 02:10 |
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Sunday, May 30, 2004
I feel even younger now that I've graduated.
Last night Amanda, Steph, Tyrell, Whitney (Steph's friend), and Sarah (Whitney's friend) went to S&S for another round of tattoos. Drew was there, and I really wanted to ask him out to dinner. Maybe he looks at everyone the way he looks at me, but those eyes are just amazingly seductive. Chaka Khan.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 14:22 |
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Friday, May 28, 2004
Pervert
What's your sexual appeal? brought to you by Quizilla
.:dr0wningophelia:. 00:39 |
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Thursday, May 27, 2004
"Is your hair naturally black?"
"Well, no..."
"Yeah, I noticed the roots..."
"I'm kind of broke right now, but I'll cut you a deal. You put up the money and I'll get my hair done without an argument."
Amanda's coffee table kissed my knee and gave me a dark purple hickey. Expect a lawsuit.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 12:39 |
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Wednesday, May 26, 2004
My dad found out about my tattoo today. Mom said something like "So I heard Beth was going to get another tattoo this weekend." "What?! ANOTHER?!?!" shrieked my father.
After he was done acting upset with me, he asked to see it. Then insisted 'beautiful' was spelled wrong just to freak me out.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 18:27 |
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Bits from an email Dad sent:
David called this morning at 4 AM. He has been in 'Wiesboden' until recently. He returned to Giessen for more first aid training. Today they are sticking each other with needles to practice giving IV's.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 16:12 |
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Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Me: Hey, what's cooking in there?
Dad: I don't know if you'll like it... It's cabbage... and noodles... and it's called Polish... cabbage and noodles.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 15:42 |
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I hate how easily I get distracted. I was cleaning my room, then got an overwhelming urge to catch up on my blog reading... Oh well, at least I can see floor. I'll finish eventually. Right now Jerry Springer's on.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:33 |
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Monday, May 24, 2004
I thought briefly on becoming a flight attendant... until I realized the pay sucks, I could be based in Portland, and I hate people, tight spaces, and heights.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:32 |
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Sunday, May 23, 2004
Today is a lazy day. Pigtails and all.
I thought about cleaning my room. Might get around to it later.
Right now I need to put on clothes for another store meeting. I wish Cafe Brazil would hire me. I need to call them. Don't know of any where else I'd like to work right now. But if I stay at Blockbuster I might go insane. I like the people enough. My hours are alright. I just don't want to be there anymore. I'm tired of it. I feel stuck...
Amanda, Mom, Steph and I went bowling last night. Twas fun. Mighty fun. Then we all decided to come back to my house and watch School of Rock... Steph and Amanda were going to spend the night... Slumber Party 2004 (take two)... but Steph wimped out again and decided to stay home. She's done that a lot lately.
So Amanda and I partied alone... again. It wasn't much of a party actually. She talked online and I watched TV.
I want to do something today. I don't have the money or the energy, but I feel like I should. When I'm old and gray and reflecting on my life, what will I have to remember? Not much. Think I might opt for Alheimer's.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:56 |
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Saturday, May 22, 2004
I should be fine. Last year when I absence-failed second semester of Algebra II, I kept my first half-credit and replaced the second with summer school. I should be set to graduate, and I don't want any more panic attacks until then. You here that, Brain?
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:02 |
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Friday, May 21, 2004
Not only am I not going to college to "better myself," or "do something with my life," I may be an utter failure. I thought I had everything straight. "I don't need these classes to get the hell out of here. I'll just go the ones I need and fuck the rest." Now I'm scared that the school will take away the credits I've earned and leave me 5 short of graduating. Stephen and Amanda say it's impossible. If the credits are already on my transcript, they're mine. But what if they're not? What if I've royally fucked myself over? I'm so freaked out... If I have to repeat this year, I don't know that I can... I couldn't live with the embarrassment. I couldn't live with myself.
Tonight I'll just tell myself everything will work out. I need the sleep.
If I don't graduate next weekend... I might have to kill myself...
What the fuck am I doing... Holy shit...
Everything's fine...?
.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:28 |
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.:Incubus:Agoraphobia:.
Two people touching lips, hands on each other's hips
Nothing in else in the world but one another
The 42nd floor on a distant shore
I wonder how we've strayed so far from this
Remember when we were just flesh and bone
You sir may have forgotten how good your world can be
So, put down your hollow tips and kiss your lover's lips
And know that fate is what we make of it
Please end this, please end this
Before this ends us, ends us
I wanna stay inside for good
I read the news today and everything they say
Just makes me want to stay inside and wait
But the better part of me knows that waiting in the throws
Is on par with reading with my eyes closed
"What Can I do?", You say, "It's just another day
In the life of Apes with ego trips"
Put down your hollow tips and kiss your lover's lips
And know that fate is what we make of it
Please end this, please end this
Before this ends us, ends us
I wanna stay inside for good
I'm gonna stay inside for good
Don't want to stay inside for good
I hate being lonely.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:07 |
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I don't have the energy to deal with so many things.
This morning was "Senior Walk" at school, so naturally I didn't show. Amanda and I had Slumber Party 2004 last night... just the two of us... Then this morning Steph called repeatedly, either to annoy me just enough to wake up, or... yeah, that's probably it.
The three of us drove to Pete's for breakfast (I had my regular), came back to my house for more sleep. At least I slept... Amanda might have, but Steph was watching stand-up. It sounded really funny, and I wanted to go in there with her, but I couldn't get up.
I'm really scared about graduation. Surprisingly less scared than I have been, but still... I'm not sure what I'm going to do with myself. I'm afraid I'm going to become more lazy when I don't have a set schedule every day, and thereby more depressed. Sure, I'll still be working, but right now I'm still part-time, and I have to share my hours with other people so I'm only working two, maybe three days a week.
Saturday Amanda, Mom and I are going bowling. I was gonna ask Steph to come along, but I remembered last weekend she told me she had to work this Sat. Maybe I should ask her anyway, so she doesn't feel like I forgot her.
I just got out of the shower, and don't really feel like going to work but I need the money. I have $20 in my account, and I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for my tattoo next weekend, and pay Dad for car insurance. I might need to put off the tattoo.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:18 |
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Wednesday, May 19, 2004
.:Love/Animal Test:.
1. You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
2. In the process of courtship, the approach that would make you feel irresistable is creative, never let you feel bored.
3. The impression you would like to give to your lover is optimistic.
4. What you hate most in your partner is that the person is ruthless, cold-blooded, and/or ironic.
5. The kind of relationship you would like to build with your partner is that both of you can talk about everything and anything, no secret is kept.
6. You can't resist desire and lust; most probably you'll commit adultery.
7. You think of marriage as a precious thing. Once you get married, you'll treasure it and your partner very much.
8. At this moment, you don't want to be tied down by a steady relationship, you just want to flirt around.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:58 |
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orangeday15: hi beth
dr0wningophelia: hey
dr0wningophelia: workin on gov't
orangeday15: oh ok... need any help or anything?
dr0wningophelia: don't think so, but thanks
orangeday15: if you do call my cell
dr0wningophelia: i'm just working on that case research thing
orangeday15: oh ok
dr0wningophelia: she changed her mind about letting me make things up
orangeday15: really?
dr0wningophelia: i'm supposed to go see her tomorrow morning, and after school
orangeday15: that's awsome!!!
dr0wningophelia: she called and talked to my dad
orangeday15: well go!!!!
dr0wningophelia: acourse!!
orangeday15: lol
orangeday15: I love you beth
dr0wningophelia: me too
dr0wningophelia: hehe
orangeday15: see how things work out when you're patient...!
dr0wningophelia: i am plenty patient, i was just freaking out
orangeday15: ok good point
dr0wningophelia: it was a bad day, and 2nd period only made it worse
orangeday15: same here.. sorry if I upset you during govt. I really didn't mean to
dr0wningophelia: it wasn't you. honestly, i don't even remember what you said. i was just scared shitless that i wouldn't graduate on time
orangeday15: oh ok
dr0wningophelia: embarrassed and scared
orangeday15: cause when you left Cord look at me like... you didn't say anything wrong and she still got mad at you
dr0wningophelia: i left to cry
dr0wningophelia: i wasn't mad
orangeday15: and then paul walked over like it was his business and said the tyrel was gonna kick my ass if I did somethin
orangeday15: I understand
dr0wningophelia: this morning in the parking lot i was nearly hit by five different cars, one of which gave ME a dirty look while driving on my side of the aisle. then i pissed off stephanie. then second period happened
orangeday15: I understand babe... I think today was one of those days that everyone was hav'n a bad day
dr0wningophelia: yeah
orangeday15: alright well get back to wrok
dr0wningophelia: will do
dr0wningophelia: thanks
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:29 |
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Sunday, May 16, 2004
I'm afraid I'm going to be lonely my entire life. Maybe not 'alone...' I hope not anyway... but at least lonely all the while.
Last night was Anna's party. It was a good time, and I got to see a more serious side to Anna's boyfriend Collin. He's a cool kid... weird, but cool. Anna's a hottie, and I got a lapdance. Good times, good times.
At four in the morning Amanda decided she'd rather be at home in her own bed, so we trekked out to the car and drove back to Carrollton.
I hope Steph is feeling better today. Yesterday was not a good day for her, and I'm afraid I may have only made it worse. It just annoys me that she would agree to go to a party with us, then sit in the backseat and curse and sulk and get pissed at nothing the entire way there, so I told her to calm down because she was bringing me down... Send in the clowns.
Today I'm supposed to go see Logan, but I'm not sure I want to. I'm afraid to. I don't want to be hurt again. I know we're only seeing each other as friends, but I don't want to put effort into something that will just blow up in my face. And with him, it's bound to happen eventually.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:50 |
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Tonight was the big store meeting. And boy, was it long.
When I got home, I shaved my legs and waited for Andy to call so we could watch Kill Bill vol 1 (he hadn't seen it, so I made him).
Soon after we got off the phone, Logan called. I haven't seen him since September, when he "mysteriously" disappeared. We have a get-together (date?) planned for Sunday, and since "money's no object" to him all of a sudden, I get to choose what we do. Sounds exciting! It will be great to see him again. As angry as I was for being forgotten/abandoned, he was a great guy and fun to hang out with. He seems to be in good spirits, and since he just got out of rehab, maybe we'll have more in common.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:36 |
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Sunday, May 09, 2004
I feel like I'm constantly hungover, lethargic, jaded. I do the same things day in, day out. I sleep, I drive, I smoke, I'm done. I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough.
Today was Mother's Day, and I learned that my Grandma Love was planning her demise. Apparently, when her last client died she fell into a rut of depression. She thinks because she has no money coming in, and can't collect on the inheritence left to her by the client, that she's worthless and a burden on us, her family. I wish I could help her. I suppose I haven't been the greatest grand-daughter. I forget birthdays, and holidays, and thank you's. But I do care, I love, and I thank you for loving me.
Happy Mother's Day.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:25 |
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Tonight I went to Andy's. I remembered the wallpaper, but I'm not sure I'd ever seen it before... if that makes any sense at all.
We've known each other since elementary, when David and I would go to Charlene's every day after school.
I left before any problems arose, though I wouldn't have minded them. I'm just afraid that I'll do something I might regret. Of course, I already regret leaving, so maybe I should have stayed.
I feel so comfortable around him, and every little thing he does makes me want to hug him, or kiss him, or laugh hysterically. And that body... and those lips... wow....
.:dr0wningophelia:. 01:24 |
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Wednesday, May 05, 2004
WFAA -- Channel 8 News
.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:18 |
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Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Tomorrow is David's viewing. It finally hit me tonight that this wasn't a dream. David and Asa are gone. It doesn't matter what happened. It doesn't matter who was on what. They're gone. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about it, but the thought never leaves me. I didn't know Asa, but I miss him just the same. I've known David for seven years now, and though we weren't very close during these past few I feel as though a piece of me is missing. The David I knew would never have done this. He would never have let this happen. Maybe it was just a mistake. Maybe he didn't think the gun was loaded. But a different David aimed the gun. A different David pulled the trigger. It never should have happened.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:19 |
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Monday, May 03, 2004
Entry from Tue Feb 10, 11:26:58 PM
Tonight as Dad and I were watching Gilmore Girls, the doorbell rang. It was David Ross... "My David," from so many years ago.
David was always in search of trouble; it seems he's finally found it. Last month he was let out of jail... He served six months for a burglary he swears he didn't commit... He says it was his third "visit." He has 22 misdemeanors, and 3 felony charges on his record...
Yet another wasted youth.
Today my David died.
I was sleeping on my mom's couch, while Mom and Steph played Uno, when Amanda called. Steph relayed the message: "Two white males were found dead in a backyard on Crosby and Nix."
She called back not too much later to say one of them was David. I was in shock, but suspected it had been something like a 'drug-deal gone bad...' Something a little easier to swallow than the truth.
I'm still not sure I can cope with what really happened. I don't want to believe he could be capable of such a thing.
He and some friends were stealing radios out of cars last night, and David also took a gun. Today they all left the campus during lunch and went to one of their houses. They smoked out, and David pointed the gun toward another guy (Asa Phillips). Asa said something like 'if you're going to aim it at me, at least have the balls to pull the trigger,' so he did... he shot Asa right in the forehead.. everyone else ran off, and then David shot himself...
Eighth grade, when David and I were dating, we walked to the park near my house. Chris Kiel, a kid from our school, came out of his house and pointed a gun at David.
Steph, Amanda and I went over to Sam's to tell her what had happened. I had to tell the story over and over, and the more I said the words, the deeper my heart sank. I watched Sam and her family shrivel and cry, just as I was crying. We tried to lift the mood by talking about memories. Like the time we all went to Thomas pool, five summers ago. Five summers... it can't have been that long. Mrs. Lou came by to pick us up, and as we rode back to Sam's house, it started to rain. Steph, Sam, Tony, David and I went from splashing in the pool, to singing in the rain.
We dressed Tony up as a girl and took pictures.
My crush on David grew.
Seventh grade, early November, Thomas pool was throwing a turkey race thingy. Every guy jumped in the pool and raced against each other for a Thanksgiving turkey; David won.
"If masturbation is a rainbow, may you have a colorful summer."
Art class.
Granted, he's changed a lot through the years. I never would have thought that the David I knew five summers ago could have become... today's headline.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:16 |
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I'm not too happy with how this template turned out... so I'll be tweaking it for a while.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 13:34 |
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