Friday, October 31, 2003

Yesterday I had my first experience with sex outdoors. Well, unless you count the car we were in... It was actually pretty exciting, except that my paranoia kicked in, and I thought that every sound was a police man about to bang on the window with blinding flashlight in hand.
It's Halloween, and my big plans are to go to Granny's pass out candy, then pass out myself... I mean sleep....
Dustin invited me to see Hamlet with him and Leah, but I'm thinking it's because his car's in the shop, and he needs a ride.
Jen and Kyle are going to IHOP later on tonight... hehehe... too cute. I just might make an appearance.

.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:52 | |


Monday, October 20, 2003

Everyone I know has gone away
Left, or died, or just forgot to stay
.:garbage:dog new tricks:.

---

I'm afraid I'm losing everyone.
Jen won't talk to me, for reasons unknown. She won't answer or return my calls or IM's, she skips the classes we have together... today I said hi as she was walking to the art hall, and she basically brushed me off. I haven't talked to her since Friday, and I hear havic is wrecking her life... but I don't get to hear it from her.
I'm still broken over Logan. I hate him, but I keep thinking about him. I compare Stephen to him all the time, and usually they parallel, except Stephen is nice to me.
My brother is still gone, and I'm still the only one with no letters or phone calls to brag about.
My grandmother is falling to pieces.
No one listens to me.
Everything is lost.

.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:09 | |


Wednesday, October 15, 2003

i'm not sure why i'm still hanging on to logan's memory. jen says it's because there was "no closure." maybe she's right. but would this be any easier if i had seen him one last time? or if i had heard him say it's over, instead of telling myself i had to move on?
logan was not ready for a relationship. he had his heart set on "becoming a rock star," and spent all his time running away from home, drinking and doing drugs. on the rare occasions that i did see him, i had to drive to allen, pay for everything we did or ate, and chauffer his friends around. why on earth did i want to stay with him?
the last time i talked to logan, he told me he loved me, and asked if i still felt the same. in truth, i didn't know. i had forgotten how i felt about him, because i didn't get to see him for weeks at a time, and couldn't talk to him for days on end. i could not rely on him for any kind of support because he was never there. i couldn't have faith in him because i didn't know how to believe in a life so different from my own.
so, now that i'm with Stephen, is it wrong of me to still be thinking of logan? am i a bad person because i miss a boy who had no influence on anything other than my spending and driving habits? is there a healthy way to speed up the process of getting over your past, so you can better focus on the present?

.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:55 | |


Sunday, October 12, 2003

my brother called today. during dinner. me, val, my mom and dad were all in the living room. he only had five minutes to talk so we were going to pass the phone around, but i didn't get my turn. it feels like he doesn't even miss me. i never get any phone calls or letters. everyone else does. the only updates i get are from their letters, and messages he leaves on the machine for my dad. i always thought we were closer than we really are. i don't even want to mail him the letter i wrote anymore. i left the room crying, and now every one thinks i'm being selfish because i want my brother to miss me. it's weird. i didn't even seem to notice him being gone until i heard his voice on the answering machine. now i miss him all the time, but i don't know how to tell him that. or even if i should. i feel like a little girl. i'm being stubborn and stupid because he won't give me attention. i had to struggle to write that damn letter, and still i had nothing to say except "come home. you don't have to be there. your room is too empty."

.:dr0wningophelia:. 16:29 | |