Thursday, September 23, 2004

I haven't really eaten since Tuesday... Nothing yesterday; a taquito, a few chips, and a few M&Ms today... I've lost ten pounds, and I've become obsessed with my weight... But I'm still happy... And not hungry at all... which is odd.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:57 | |


Monday, September 20, 2004

First kisses are said to be magical. Two people feeling the initial ping of attraction, leaning into each other; their lips meet, music swells, wind blows lightly, world stands still... That's all bullshit.
I hate first kisses. The awkward positioning of noses, lips, hands, and, in some instances, chins. You'd be surprised how many people try to incorporate the entire face in a goodnight kiss.
I'm fairly confident in my kissing ability, unless the other person is terrible. "I hope they don't think I'm the reason this sucks," I sometimes catch myself thinking. Crass, I know, but as I said, I'm awesome... and humble, too.
I'm quite fond of punctuation... especially the comma... and the semi-colon... I really don't use that fella often enough.
If only there was a way to skip past the first kiss and get straight to the good ones... Like the fifth kiss. That's the one I wait for. By the fifth kiss, you're in the flow (usually). Moves are choreographed, but still exciting. The anticipation is still there; the awkward spittle is not.
Yep, that perfect fifth kiss.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:38 | |



I've gotten a lot done today, it seems. It's easier to focus, easier to be happy, and not much of my environment had to change to make life seem so... possible.
I've picked up a habit. Could this be the source of my new-found happiness, or is it only a temporary escape? Either way, I don't want it to end; I enjoy feeling numb. Early signs of addiction... those words keep twirling around my brain, but somehow I don't mind. Could I really be addicted this early on?


.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:09 | |


Sunday, September 19, 2004

I feel as though Heath is avoiding me. It's not that I don't like him. I really do... I'm just not looking for serious. I've made it to a point in my life where I need time for just me. I want to meet people, and date, and not be tied down... Then again, I do want a boyfriend... Or at least someone who loves spending time with me... Who can't wait until I get off work just so they can see me...
I've taken relationships way too seriously in the past. I envy Stephanie for the way she looks at life. Every boyfriend I've ever had, I thought the world of. I pictured myself walking down the aisle with each and every one of them. Stephanie has the common sense to know that relationships don't last forever, and she's just landed her first "real" boyfriend. Maybe that's why I'm not ready. I don't want to get too attached, just incase he's pulling my leg. It's best not to have one's head in the clouds when there's fire at their feet.
Besides, boys suck.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:13 | |


Saturday, September 18, 2004

Two pink lines mean I'm pregnant. One means I'm not.

One line and a pink smudge? I need chocolate.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:23 | |



I'm really pissed at Heath. Damn boys and their damn video games with damn late fees that I have to pay.
Vibol threw out his back, but hopefully our plans for Monday won't be canceled. He already has everything all planned out, and I know we'll have fun. Dinner, bowling and ice cream; can't go wrong with that.
Tonight I'm probably going to IHOP to read... Maybe.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:45 | |



I should really be in the shower right now, getting ready for work, but I'm too busy piddling my time away.
David offered to pay my way through college... Now I might just go.
Logan wants to see me on Monday.
Vibol wants to see me on Monday.
Chris wants to see me on Monday.
I'd rather spend my time with Heath, but he doesn't hear me when I say I like him.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 11:33 | |



I've noticed lately that my entries are less like "entries" and more like "random sentences with no emotion."

No wonder I feel so fucked up: I've forgotten how to write.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 11:05 | |


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

I'm glad Steph and I live together. It's been a great test to our friendship, and I'm not sure how long this will last. I miss my best friend, and she lives with me.

We were the old married couple. Leland saw us at IHOP and thought we were an item. It feels as though we've broken up.

She says she understands; that she's sorry, and she misses me too. But I don't see anything changing. Am I the one who should change? Are we really letting go?

Is he worth it?


.:dr0wningophelia:. 02:05 | |


Friday, September 03, 2004

Why did I fuck him? When I knew he had a girlfriend? When I knew he wasn't interested, really? When I knew I didn't want to... tonight? I feel so dirty.
Tally mark number 6.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:44 | |


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I haven't updated (really) in a while...
You know that room I've been talking about? The one I live in that screamed at me for abusing it? For Two Years?? It's been silenced. The monster living under my bed has been evicted. I can see and walk unafraid.
I've made a few more friends during my absense. Though I'm not sure how close I want or could get to them. I've been feeling very alone lately. Even in a room crowded with people, I feel as though no one understands me. Not that there's much about me to understand. I have no real thoughts anymore. The gears in my head must have rusted tight.
I'm not sure if every girl is this way, but I cannot be just friends with a guy. Even if I'm not interested, even if I'm utterly disgusted by the person, if we're alone I start wondering how his skin feels. Whether his hands are rough. How his breath might taste. I like the thrill of being chased. Like yearning for a car to collide with yours as you cross a big intersection. Just the anticipation... the jolt... the fear.
I'm not sure whether I'm afraid of a relationship, or if I'm just not sure I've found the right guy.


.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:54 | |