Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Today has not been a good day. My dad actually asked me if I was "still depressed." Not exactly a question I can answer on my own. Yes. Most of the time. But to my dad, I'm fine. I don't want his pity, I don't want the pills, I don't want to think of myself as crazy any longer.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:37 |
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Ani Difranco -- WTC Poem
(just thought I'd share)
Yes, yes, yes, us people are just poems. We're 90% metaphor with a leanness of meaning approaching hyper distillation, and once upon a time we were moonshine rushing down the throat of a giraffe. Yes, rushing down the long hallway, despite what the PA announcement said. Yes, rushing down the long stairs with the whiskey of eternity fermented and distilled to eighteen minutes burning on our tongues, down our throats, down the hall, down the stairs in a building so tall that it will always be there.
Yes, it's part of a pair, there on the bow of Noah's Ark, the most prestigious couple just kicking back, parked against a perfectly blue sky on a morning beatific in its Indian Summer breeze, on the day that America fell to its knees after strutting around for a century without saying thank you or please.
And the shock was subsonic and the smoke was deafening, between the setup and the punch line because we were all on time for work that day.
We all boarded that plane for to fly, and then when the fires were raging we all climbed up on the window sill and then we all held hands and jumped into the sky.
Every borough looked up when it heard the first blast, and then every dumb action movie was summarily surpassed, and the exodus uptown by foot and motorcar looked more like war than anything I've seen so far.
Yes, it looked more like war than anything I've seen so far
So fierce and ingenious, a poetic specter so far gone that every jackass newscaster was struck dumb and stumbling over 'oh my god' and 'this is unbelievable' and on and on.
And i'll tell you what, while we're at it, you can keep the pentagon, you can keep the propaganda and each and every TV that's been trying to convince me to participate in some prep school punk's plan to perpetuate retribution.
Perpetuate retribution
Even as the blue toxic smoke of our lesson in retribution is still hanging in the air, and there's ash on our shoes, and there's ash in our hair, and there's a fine silt on every mantle from hell's kitchen to brooklyn, and the streets are full of stories, sudden twists and near misses and soon every open bar is crammed to the rafters with tales of narrowly averted disasters, and the whiskey is flowing like never before as all over the country folks just shake their heads, and pour.
So here's a toast to all the folks who live in Palestine, and Iraq, and El Salvador. Here's a toast to the folks living on the Pine Ridge Reservation with GI Joe still coming back for more. Here's a toast to all those nurses and doctors who daily provide women with a choice; who stand down a threat the size of Oklahoma City just to listen to a young woman's voice. Here's a toast to all the folks on death row right now; awaiting hot oil or guillotine; who are shackled there with dread and can only escape into their heads to find peace in the form of a dream.
'Cause take away our Playstations and we are a 3rd world nation, under the thumb of some blue blood royal son who bought the Oval Office in that phony election. While we're at it, let me state unequivocally, he is not President of Me, he is not President of me.
'Cause I, I am a poem heeding hyper distillation. I've got no room for a lie so verbose. I'm looking out over my whole human family and I'm raising my glass in a toast
Here's to our last drink of fossil fuels; let us vow to get off of this sauce, shoo away the swarms of commuter planes and find that train ticket we lost.
'Cause once upon a time the line followed the river, and peeked into all the backyards where the laundry was waving out on the line and the graffiti was teasing us from brick walls and bridges. We were rolling over ridges through valleys, under stars. I dream of touring like Duke Ellington in my own railroad car.
I dream of waiting on the big wooden benches in the grand station aglow with grace and then standing out on the platform and feeling the air on my face.
Give back the night its distant whistle. Give the darkness back its soul. Give the big oil companies the finger finally, and relearn how to rock and roll.
Yes, the lessons are all around us, and the truth is waiting there, so it's time to pick through the rubble clean the streets and clear the air.
Tell our government to pull its big dick out of the sand of someone else's desert and put it back in its pants, and quit the hypocritical chants of 'freedom forever.'
Cause when one lone phone rang in two thousand and one at ten after nine on nine one one, which is the number we all called when that lone phone rang right off the wall right off our desk.
And down the long hall, down the long stairs, in the building so tall that the whole world stopped just to watch it fall.
And while we're at it, remember the first time around, the bomb, the Ryder Truck, the Parking Garage, the Princess that didn't even feel pity? Remember joking around in our apartment on avenue d? "Can you imagine how many paper coffee cups would have to change their design, following a fantastical reversal of the new york skyline?" It was a joke of course. It was a joke at the time. It was just a few years ago, so let the record show that the FBI was all over that case. The plot was obvious and in everybody's face, and scoping the scene religiously. Was the CIA or is it KGB? Committing countless crimes against humanity with this kind of eventuality as its excuse for abuse after expensive abuse, and they didn't have a clue.
Look another window to see through, way up here on the 104th floor. Look another key, another door. 10% literal and 90% metaphor. 5000 some poems disguised as people on an almost too perfect day. They must be more than just poems in some asshole's passion play. So now it's your job and it's my job to make it that way; to make sure they didn't die in vain. Shhh... Listen baby; hear the train?"
.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:49 |
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I've been reading WAY too much David Foster Wallace lately. Here's what I have so far for my next Creative Writing assignment.
A girl sits outside of an old yellow house on a small concrete patio, surrounded by varying shades of green and the smell of spring.
Strong sounds of machinery buzz all around her, periodically interrupted by the shrill cry of bird or bug.
Her father's dog, hunched into a familiar position, looks strained as he forces out his pedigree poops. Lamb and rice from yesterday's dinner is birthed unto a reluctant mound of grass. Relieved, the mongrel runs off to bark at empty air.
Overhead, a dove lands on a high tree limb. It's head bobs and weaves, pops and locks; each step a timid one, looking not unlike a paranoid junkie. Grasping, watching. SPLAT! A milky brown stain on the earth below.
Suddenly it seems, all sound has paused. A lonely star peaks through the trees, and crickets join the silence with their nighttime lullaby. A plane slices through the dirty-blue sky, and heads toward a burning horizon.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:36 |
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So... my dad's trying to network our computers together... and for now mine's the only one that works....
How exciting.
I nearly cleaned my room today, but decided going insane was less of a challenge.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:21 |
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Message for Daddy, from Granny
This is Mama. I got a call from your son, David Ross, today. Ha Ha,
in your face. Call me if you want me to tell you about it.
...
Side note: she's 70 years-old, and still representin.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 14:06 |
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004
I now have a grand total of 51 cents in my checking account...
Behold the awesomeness that is my budgeting.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 15:30 |
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Monday, March 29, 2004
I've been recruited to write a story for the school newspaper... mostly because I can write better than most of the staffers... and partly because no one else will do it. It's on the auto body shop class, and the hoods they painted.... Should be exciting... and a good read. Look for it in your next Lion's Tale newspaper... under the headline "Why the Hell am I Doing This."
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:33 |
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Barbie Got Back! Go you! You're the closest thing ever to a true black Barbie. Shake that fat ass of yours.
If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be? brought to you by Quizilla
.:dr0wningophelia:. 18:57 |
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Saturday, March 27, 2004
A phone message from my Daddy:
Beth, I am getting frustrated.... I have a bag of wire ties.... They're black... and they're skinny little wires, in a bag... for tying wires together.... I am tearing the house apart, and I can't find them and I just wondered if you know.... I think I just found them; they're in a bag you put in my room. Okay, nevermind.... I will not kill.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 15:37 |
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Thursday, March 25, 2004
Another wonderful night with Mr. E. I guess now we can just call him Robby. I'm trying hard not to gush on and on about him, because I know how much he hates it... But wow, he's a great guy.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 23:07 |
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I had plans to go see a movie with some guy named George today, but I had to cancel them... Found out he was a sophomore at Smith... He doesn't have a car (seems shallow, but it's important).... He wanted to see Starsky and Hutch, but I'm pretty sure it's because he's not old enough to see a rated-R movie.... Poor youngin'. This was the second time I've canceled on him, and I feel bad about it, but not bad enough to take it back.
Another "some guy," this one named Paul, keeps calling me. He wants to go on a walk some time and get to know me.... Again, I'm not interested.
I don't really know what I want, but random "somes" are not it.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:02 |
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Good news: I'm not so bad off as I thought. I only need to make up three absences (including those for my upcoming Vegas trip), and I'm good to graduate. Oh, and bring up my English grade.
Wow, that's a relief...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 14:10 |
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Wednesday, March 24, 2004
I'm really scared that I've wasted the past twelve years of my education. I've thrown it all away in less that 9 months, and no matter how scared I feel, or how lost I know I've become I can't get back on track. The more I worry about not making it, the less I want to even try which makes no sense at all, even to me. It's not even that anything is too difficult. If anything, it's been dumbed down so much I feel pampered. I just can't make myself... do anything anymore. I know how deep I've gotten myself. I can see how other people perceive me. Nothing helps. I'm my happiest when I'm asleep, so what's the point in being alive?
Don't read too much into this. I'm just a paranoid freak.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:16 |
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Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Three tattoos I have in mind.
my right hip
over my heart
my lower back
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:35 |
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gee golly, louise brooks was pretty.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 10:50 |
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Monday, March 22, 2004
I'm so bored tonight, I started cleaning my room, I organized my CD's, I looked for my long-lost keys (three days now). I also can't seem to find my Beth Hart CD, but behind my dresser there was Hooverphonic,
a new stereosound spectacular... broken... in four pieces... Damn. I nearly duct taped it back together, until I regained my composure and realized how dumb that would be. I mean, the colors would, like... totally clash.... Damn.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 22:22 |
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.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:25 |
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hehe... vampire, eh? guess that explains the pale skin. and here i thought it was my irish blood.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:42 |
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Sunday, March 21, 2004
Fun for the utterly bored:
1. Enter your first name into Google.
2. Click on "Images".
3. Pick out your favorites.
yummm... bagels...
i think it's carpet...
wow... her back must hurt.
and the pick of the litter...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 20:59 |
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Friday, March 19, 2004
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | High |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Very High |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | High |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
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Paranoid
Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges.
Schizoid
People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners."
Schizotypal
Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow.
Antisocial
A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others.
Borderline
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met.
Histrionic
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.
Narcissistic
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them.
Avoidant
Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.
Dependent
Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed.
Obsessive-Compulsive
Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 17:44 |
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Monday, March 15, 2004
I found Tony's boxers in my pajama drawer. They're worn and comfortable, but as soon as I slipped them on my stomach churned. I hate how I let myself get dragged into situations which are destined to fall apart. Stupid Tony. Stupid Stephen. Stupid me. Little ego-peddlers: that's all I've ever dated. And then this guy (we'll call him "Mr. E") comes strolling into my life without warning, and he's perfect. Perfectly funny, perfectly beautiful, perfectly sane (a big one). I'm smitten.
I really hope I'm doing the right thing. Mr. E and I have a date on Thursday; I'm thinking picnic at Celestial park. Next Saturday we're having a sleep over. I sure do love sleeping in his arms. It's too bad he doesn't want anything serious. Not to say I
want "serious," but the prospect of it sure would be nice.
Sunday night Henry and I have a date. At least I
think it's a date. Should be exciting. We're going to Pocket Sandwich theatre to throw popcorn at bad actors. I promised him fun, and I better deliver.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 21:28 |
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Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Dad: "All guys are butt-holes. You just gotta find one where you can live with the stink. You spread that around to your friends."
Beth: "Will do."
.:dr0wningophelia:. 15:09 |
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Monday, March 08, 2004
I saw Jordan last night at IHOP, playing poker with "the boys." Jen, Steph and I overacted, laughed too hard, talked too loud... I'm not sure if I was trying to get his attention, or if I was genuinely having a good time.
Steph left with
Chris, and
Jen,
Robby, Jon and I went to the Babies "R" Us parking lot for "football and guitar." Instead we ate cookies, pushed each other in a shopping cart and listened to Robby's song covers. Good news: I have a huge crush on Jon, even though he intimidates the hell out of me (and no, it's not because of the
H-bomb). He's just so adorable, and smart, and funny, and... Oh, I doubt he likes me. Bad news: I have a tiny crush on Robby. He's Jen's, even though she has a Jeff, and his friend Courtney likes me.
Jen wimped out around 2, and we took her home. Jon, Robby and I went back to Babies, and sat in Robby's car. It's a lot more fun than it sounds, believe me. Around 5-ish, Jon left, and it was just me and Robby. We walked back into IHOP to reawaken with coffee, and talked while watching the sunrise through the eastern windows. Then, we drove by the Addison Health Club to see if they had replaced the flag he and Courtney stole. They hadn't, and now he's feeling guilty. Boys with consciences sure are cute.
I've now been awake for... ever. I took the Buggy in to be looked at this morning, and waited around a couple of hours. Apparently I'm "sexy." At least the guy in the chair adjacent to mine thought so.... Interesting. Finally, I accepted a ride home from the complimentary "drive-around" guy. I'm hoping he was certified, because it's normally against my upbringing to accept rides from strangers. I think I like this whole "not sleeping" bit. I sure am friendly today.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 08:05 |
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Sunday, March 07, 2004
Bah Bah Bah.. Bah Barbara Anne...
Geez I hate my job. I was jipped out of my last pay check *computer glitch*, and am currently .88 cents in the hole. Damn corporate bastards...
I need to go to Petco today and buy new bedding for Brooksie... She poops too much.
Ack! A bug! Oh, it's just a shadow.
I just woke up... We had inventory last night at work; Chris' last day. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm gonna miss him. Mostly I'll miss yelling/making fun of him.
You got me rockin' and a'rollin,' rockin' and a'reelin' Barbara Anne...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 12:52 |
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Saturday, March 06, 2004
Is it wrong that I'm not so interested in Courtney, now that I know he doesn't have his own car? In my last two relationships I was the only one with a car, and it drove me insane. He's a really great person, as far as I know, and amazingly adorable... I just don't want to feel stuck again.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 01:42 |
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What is your name? Beth
What do you think it should be? Something a little more unique... like River.
Best people to get into trouble with? Jen and Steph are nothing
but trouble... especially Jen... but
especially Steph.
What color pants do you have on right now? blue denim
What song are u listening to right now? X-French T-Shirt by Shudder to Think
What was the last thing that you said? I'd rather die than give you control... technically I was singing... loudly.
What is right next to you? my bed
What is your computer desk made of? cherry wood
What was the last thing that you ate? fries at Denny's
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Macaroni and Cheese. Yes, it's a color, too.
Do you have a lava lamp? Yes. Does it work? No.
How many buddies do you have on your list right now? 33. I only talk to five of them.
How's the weather right now? Dark... Windy... Yes...
Have you ever smoked? Yes.
What did you do last night? Thursday... I ran over a curb (in my defense, the road was slippery, there was a sharp curve, and six inches of water with pouring down rain = no fun), replaced my wheel and tire, then played Nickel Train. Dominoes and pennies: a winning combination.
What's the nicest thing that you find about the opposite sex? One word: Penis. Try it, you'll like it.
Favorite singer? Beth Hart
How are you today? Tired.
How do you eat an Oreo? depends... is there milk involved?
Favorite M&M? pink... they just taste better.
Favorite CD? Currently, OK Computer by Radiohead.
Do you wear contacts? 20/20 vision.
Siblings? One's enough
Have you ever won any special awards? in fifth grade I "won" a perfect attendance award...
What do you want to be when you grow up? alive.
What are your future goals? be happy in whatever I'm doing
Favorite music? if it has substance, and a good beat, I'm there.
Who is the funniest person that you know? Jon Stewart, but I don't know him yet.
Favorite day of year? Halloween
Favorite month? September. I love autumn
Favorite girls cologne? As weird as it sounds, I like grandma perfumes... like White Shoulders, or any white musk.
Favorite guys cologne? Curve
Do you like to dance? Yes. Just not in public.
Fast or slow dance? Yes. Just not in public.
Are you too shy to ask someone out? Depends on the person.
Favorite name brand? Of... what?
If you could change your name, what would it be? Wasn't this question already asked?
Worst sickness that you have ever had? recovering from a tonsilectomy... it was gross... my tongue turned brown... ick.
Do you sleep w/ a stuffed animal? yes. I have a hand-made couch potato doll. He eats popcorn.
What is the stupidest thing that you have ever done? This should definetly be narrowed down.
What will your first son's name be? Tyler Blue ...
First daughter's name? Ophelia ... ...
Favorite drink? Vodka, or Kahlua with coffee
Night or day? night
Summer or winter? summer
Lust or love? equal parts
Kisses or hugs? depends on the quality
Do you consider cheer leading a sport? Yes
Have you ever had an online romance? No
.:dr0wningophelia:. 01:16 |
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