Tuesday, December 30, 2003
This weekend was pretty interesting... I've decided I can't stand Chris, the new guy at work. He can be nice, and some times fun to joke around with, but he's annoying, even for a Blockbuster employee.
Sunday night was Stephen's birthday party. Patrick was there, which was great. I haven't seen him since sophomore year, when we were friends only on occasion. He's actually a lot nicer now that he's admiting he's gay. He and I made a pact freshman year about going to prom together if neither of us had dates... I doubt he remembers. Anyway, it was cool to see him.
I've been having weird dreams lately. Monday morning, while I was tucked away in Stephen's bed, I dreamed that he and I were getting married... Okay, technically that wasn't my dream... In my REAL dream, my mom was buying me a gift card for my bridal shower... Yeah...
Last night I dreamed he broke up with me, and I woke up crying. It's weird: I've never been so happy with someone for this long, and three-and-a-half months isn't a LONG time...
.:dr0wningophelia:. 19:10 |
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Monday, December 22, 2003
Every year around the holidays my mother goes completely insane, and this year is no different. Last night my brother and I were supposed to go with her to look at Christmas lights. He thought she was coming to our house to pick us up, she thought we were meeting at her house, and fifteen minutes after we were supposed to meet... somewhere... she called my cell phone whining about how I don't care about her plans, and whenever she tries to make something special I ruin it. Excuse me... I was never told precisely what our plans would be, how is this my fault?
Last year, her boyfriend of the moment bought her a photo album and disposable camera. She's always taking pictures, so I can see where he thought this would make an acceptable gift... She broke up with him for two weeks because he "probably bought her gift at the grocery store."
Suffice to say, I'm moving far away so I can avoid spending the holidays any where near her and her guilt trips.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 12:15 |
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Saturday, December 13, 2003
I think I may have screwed up. Why didn't I share anything with her? Why was I so afraid to open up? She was being paid to listen, and yet I didn't speak. Now I'm no better off, but as far as she knows I'm "normal" again. I talked to Dr. Welp about being taken off the medication, since I'm not seeing Dr. Steigleder for therapy anymore. She agreed to see where I stand come May, handling the stress of graduation, and sent a "Hamilton Depression Rating Scale" with me. Based on the results of that survey, they're "upping my meds instead of weening me off of them." Problem is, I stopped taking them last July. I didn't think they were working, and talking wasn't working, so I tried fixing everything myself. I am not a do-it-yourself kind of person, apparently.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 12:03 |
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Hamilton Depression Rating Scale
Instructions: This checklist is to assist you in recording your evaluations of each patient with respect to degree of depression and pathologic condition. Please fill in the appropriate rating for each item.
0 None
1 Mild
2 Moderate
3 Severe
4 Extreme
1. Depressed mood __
Sadness, hopelessness, gloomy, pessimistic, weeping, worthless. Behavior: faces, postures, weeping voice.
2. Guilt feelings __
Pathologic guilt, not reationalizing, self-blame, feelings of self-reproach.
3. Suicide __
Recurrent thoughts of death, life is empty, not worth living, isolation, suicide gestures, threats or attempts.
4. Initial insomnia __
Difficulty getting to sleep after going to bed.
5. Middle insomnia __
Difficulty staying asleep.
6. Delayed insomnia __
Early-morning awakening.
7. Work and interest __
Apathy, loss of pleasure and interest in work, hobbies, social activites, recreation, inability to obtain satisfaction, decreased performance at work and in home duties (do not rate fatigue or loss of energy).
8. Retardation __
Psychomotor, slowing of thoughts, speech, and movement.
9. Agitation __
Psychomotor, fidgeting, restlessness or pacing, clenching fists, locking feet, wringing hands, biting lips, pulling hair, gesturing with arms, picking at hadns and clothes.
10. Anxiety (psychologic) __
Tense, unable to relax, irritable, easily startled, worrying over trivia, phobic symptoms, apprehensive of impending doom, fear of loss control, panic episodes.
11. Anxiety (somatic) __
Physiologic concomitants of anxietyL effects of autnomic overactivity, "butterflies," indigestion, stomach cramps, belching, diarrhea, palpitations, hyperventilation, parethesia, sweating, flushing, tremor, headache, urinary frequency.
12. Loss of appetite __
13. Anergia __
Fatigability, feels tired or exhausted, loss of energy, heavy or dragging feelings in arms or legs.
14. Loss of libido __
Impairment of sexual performance.
15. Hypochondriasis __
Morbid preoccupation with real or imagined bodily symptoms or functions.
16. Weight loss __
Since onset of illness or since last visit.
17. Loss of insight __
Denial of "nervous" illness, attributes illness to virus, overwork, climate, or physical symptoms. Does not recognize symptoms are "nervous" in origin.
18. Diurnal Variation __
Change in mood.
19. Hypersomnia __
(More time spent in bed) Retires earlier and/or rises later than usual, not necessarily sleeping longer.
20. Hypersomnia (oversleeping) __
Sleeping more than usual.
21. Hypersomnia (napping) __
Naps, excessive daytime sleepiness.
22. Increased Appetite __
Change in appetite marks by increased fod intake or excessive cravings.
23. Weight gain __
Since onset of illness or since last visit.
24. Psychic retardation __
Slowness of speech and though processes, inhibition of will or feeling as if thought processes are paralyzed.
25. Motor retardation __
Slowness of movement and affective expression.
My results:
1, 1, 0,2, 1, 3, 0, 1, 2, 1, 0, 0, 1, 1, 1, 0, 0, 2, 1, 1, 1, 1, 0, 1, 0.
.:dr0wningophelia:. 11:28 |
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